The sky was a flat, slate grey, dramatic, naked trees spilt the sky, Lauren marched through the post Christmas dank, cold air.
The rest of the family had gone shopping. Lauren had grown tired of endless stuff and glittering lights, she wanted to think. Lauren looked down at her trainers, they were her old ones, bored of the path by the new housing estate she started to stomp through mud and grass. She enjoyed the small adventure away from her loud tribe, she felt truly herself away from the visual noise of endless selfies from mates, gossip and claustrophobic drama of her life.
Lauren took in the morbid beauty of a field. Every colour was dull but she enjoyed it.
Lauren felt a sudden nervousness, she looked everywhere, the warnings of rapists and bad people chimed in her mind. There was no one around. She sensed a buzz, a vibration that never turned into a noise. She heard singing, it sounded odd sung minor keys and an unfamiliar, discordant tunes. Lauren was drawn to the sounds and walked a little faster so she could work out where the singing was coming from.
She marched through the field with new purpose, the grass got a little longer and the ground became rougher. The wet was soaking through her jeans but she carried on. A crowd of oddly dressed people gave Lauren empty smiles.
A small man in glasses and red robes hugged Lauren, Lauren stood stiff. The man stepped away.
“What’s your name?”
Lauren asked, it seemed the obvious thing to say
“My name doesn’t matter here.”
“OK”
Replied Lauren.
“Where am I?”
The man replied with an empty love in his eyes
“Hatefield”
Monday 30 December 2019
Saturday 21 December 2019
Christmas in Hatefield
Lauren slowly opened her eyes, she noted her head felt fuzzy, she noted she couldn’t remember the day before and she wasn’t sure where she was. She felt ties on her arms and something was stopping her legs moving. As Lauren opened her eyes she could see flashes and gaudy colours, the colours of Christmas. She turned her head and was relived to see her boyfriend, Rob, at least someone who loved and trusted was in this fever dream with her.
The room put itself together in her perception. There were paper chains, tinsel and lights, Lauren sat at the table with her Auntie Pat, her cousins were there too. Lauren looked down at her hands, they were tied together with strings of tinsel and flashing Christmas lights, she looked down on her legs and they were wrapped like a gift with tiny Santa’s that seemed to be grinning sarcastically at her.
“What the hell? Pat what is this., you’re crazy.”
“I just wanted you to have a happy Christmas.....”
“I’m tied to a chair, you madwoman”.
Her round faced cousins had their phones pointed at Lauren.
“Great, you two, I have evidence, I’ve been kidnapped, listen you lot, someone call the police, I been drugged and kidnapped, that’s illegal you lot, illegal.”
“Keep going, you nutter, this is well funny.”
Laughed Lauren’s cousins.
Lauren turned to Rob..
“Rob do something, get us out of here.”
Rob was being untied.
“Nah, they’ve put so much effort in, I mean the dinner,the music and this Duck looks lovely.”
“Rob you’re vegan, don’t eat that bloody duck.”
“ Stop nagging, your auntie put so much effort in, anyway, it would be a shame not to enjoy it.”
“We knew this would happen, Pasty, get the drip.”
Demanded Auntie Pat.
Pat and Patsy tipped the chair over, the held her thrashing limbs and then attached the drip full of sweet sherry into her arm.
The whole room started to chant
“Merry Christmas Lauren, Merry Christmas Lauren, Merry Christmas Lauren”.
Eventually her senses became dimmed, later they untied Lauren and she had a very Merry Christmas.
The room put itself together in her perception. There were paper chains, tinsel and lights, Lauren sat at the table with her Auntie Pat, her cousins were there too. Lauren looked down at her hands, they were tied together with strings of tinsel and flashing Christmas lights, she looked down on her legs and they were wrapped like a gift with tiny Santa’s that seemed to be grinning sarcastically at her.
“What the hell? Pat what is this., you’re crazy.”
“I just wanted you to have a happy Christmas.....”
“I’m tied to a chair, you madwoman”.
Her round faced cousins had their phones pointed at Lauren.
“Great, you two, I have evidence, I’ve been kidnapped, listen you lot, someone call the police, I been drugged and kidnapped, that’s illegal you lot, illegal.”
“Keep going, you nutter, this is well funny.”
Laughed Lauren’s cousins.
Lauren turned to Rob..
“Rob do something, get us out of here.”
Rob was being untied.
“Nah, they’ve put so much effort in, I mean the dinner,the music and this Duck looks lovely.”
“Rob you’re vegan, don’t eat that bloody duck.”
“ Stop nagging, your auntie put so much effort in, anyway, it would be a shame not to enjoy it.”
“We knew this would happen, Pasty, get the drip.”
Demanded Auntie Pat.
Pat and Patsy tipped the chair over, the held her thrashing limbs and then attached the drip full of sweet sherry into her arm.
The whole room started to chant
“Merry Christmas Lauren, Merry Christmas Lauren, Merry Christmas Lauren”.
Eventually her senses became dimmed, later they untied Lauren and she had a very Merry Christmas.
Sunday 13 October 2019
Hatefield by the Sea
And you were drowning,
So I held your hand,
I gripped it tight
And down I went,
But I thought I could swim.
Looking in your eyes
I felt that thing,
Love, that word from the songs
But I feel further into the deep.
And out of the corner
Of my eye
I saw white rabbits
And colourful chaos,
Creatures breathing underwater
From half forgotten
Dark fairy tales.
And the white
Rabbits turned to monsters
With red eyes,
huge teeth
Princesses turned to demons
And Princes turned To vengeful gods.
And I flickered
Somewhere between a giant
And an ant.
As you loved me,
Then hated me.
And your ever shifting view
Turned into me,
My soul depended on
storms ground
And soon it wasn’t my own.
No sleep came,
And you fell into darker waters.
The sun and sense
I drank more potions
Some made me ecstatic
Some made me hopeless.
And as I almost
Fell into the deep,
The place where I
Could see nothing
And the biggest
Most hungry monsters lived
I wanted to stop you drowning
But I had to save myself.
So I let go of your hand,
And Then I learnt to swim
The fairytale world started to fade.
And then I broke the surface
I started to swim,
At first I could see the visions,
I wanted you love back again.
But I left you behind.
The pictures came back
like a poison
or a twisted magic spell
from a children's story gone dark
my stomach would churn
I'd see your face in the dark side
of my troubled mind.
The monsters faded,
I loved and lived again,
I learnt to swim again
to live with or without love,
I become the author,
of my own tales.
So I held your hand,
I gripped it tight
And down I went,
But I thought I could swim.
Looking in your eyes
I felt that thing,
Love, that word from the songs
But I feel further into the deep.
And out of the corner
Of my eye
I saw white rabbits
And colourful chaos,
Creatures breathing underwater
From half forgotten
Dark fairy tales.
And the white
Rabbits turned to monsters
With red eyes,
huge teeth
Princesses turned to demons
And Princes turned To vengeful gods.
And I flickered
Somewhere between a giant
And an ant.
As you loved me,
Then hated me.
And your ever shifting view
Turned into me,
My soul depended on
storms ground
And soon it wasn’t my own.
No sleep came,
And you fell into darker waters.
The sun and sense
I drank more potions
Some made me ecstatic
Some made me hopeless.
And as I almost
Fell into the deep,
The place where I
Could see nothing
And the biggest
Most hungry monsters lived
I wanted to stop you drowning
But I had to save myself.
So I let go of your hand,
And Then I learnt to swim
The fairytale world started to fade.
And then I broke the surface
I started to swim,
At first I could see the visions,
I wanted you love back again.
But I left you behind.
The pictures came back
like a poison
or a twisted magic spell
from a children's story gone dark
my stomach would churn
I'd see your face in the dark side
of my troubled mind.
The monsters faded,
I loved and lived again,
I learnt to swim again
to live with or without love,
I become the author,
of my own tales.
Saturday 9 February 2019
Hatefield Primary School
“You asked what what the easter bunny had to do with Jesus being crucified, you asked who made god and your handwriting is dreadful, and then you talked to a stranger.”
Jane looked around the classroom, the colours looked wrong and the dulled children’s pictures had a nasty twist. The alphabet poster had the headline, “learn this or ruin your life” written at the top. Then the word examples of the letters were bizarre. “A was for abortion, B was for battery and showed a picture of a dad hitting mum with a frying pan, “c” was for crying.
“ There are no searches for you, your schoolwork was never on the wall ans you asked questions that Mrs Allit could never answer, you had fewer than 5 little friends too., no one will miss you.”
“What about mum”.
The woman turned on a projector, Mum was drinking with friends, including a heavy set man, her neighbor who always who always smelled of cigarettes flirting with her mum.”
“She’s fine”
Tears were producing in Jane’s eyes.
“Jane, Jane, will have no tears, don’t upset the other rejects, and the god you don’t beleive in.”
Jane looked around the dingy classroom to distract herself, she noticed a filthy window, skinny children and plastic chars that weren’t the right size for anyone.Jane choked her trears back and put on the blank expression that saw her through her life before.
“Tracy misses me, go on show me.”
Jane spoke in a tone she knew drove teachers mad, the teacher turned on the projector Tracy was with a pretty girl called Stacy, they were gossiping
“I only hung out with Jane because I felt sorry for her, but now we’re together forevermore, Tracy and Stacy, it’s perfect.”
“Just like our friendship “ Gushed Stacy.
Jane looked at the floor, her shoes were too big, her skirt was too short, She felt defeated and look like a an urchin who lived in a primary school.
“Carpet time”
Chimed the teacher. The children hurried to the faded green carpet .
“Now, we’re going to hear why our new girl Jane is here, Jane is here because she wanted too much truth. She was only 4 when she questioned the existence of Father Christmas, that’s way too young and then there were the questions about God making the world, poor Mrs Allit wanted to love her but Jane kept asking silly questions, what Jane doesn’t understand is we lie to protect our young from the world so hopefully she can leave Hurtfield correctional Primary school believing happy lies and with lovely, new neat handwriting as a reward.
“Jane, why don’t you believe in Father Christmas, the rest of the year is soooooo boring.”
Jane was determined to tell the class the truth.
“Don’t be silly, how does he get around the whole world in one night? And how does he watch every children all the time?”
Some of the children started crying, other nudged them and warned them against it. An old caretaker with a badge that “Crying children exterminator “ came and took the weeping children “No”
“That’s what telling children the truth does, you have to beleive in lies so so can be a productive member of society, you’re so clever and stupid Jane, no wonder no one loves you. Let’s see wheat mum is up to as you like truth so much.”
“please no”
Screamed Jane.
The crying children walked back into the room.
“Now tell the better truth Jane, the one Mrs Allit would like.”
“Father Christmas is alive and he loves you all.”
Jane, write your name at that desk
Jane produced the prettiest handwriting she had ever seen.
“Girls with lovely handwriting have better friends and their mummies love them more, you can go back.”
Jane looked around the classroom, the colours looked wrong and the dulled children’s pictures had a nasty twist. The alphabet poster had the headline, “learn this or ruin your life” written at the top. Then the word examples of the letters were bizarre. “A was for abortion, B was for battery and showed a picture of a dad hitting mum with a frying pan, “c” was for crying.
“ There are no searches for you, your schoolwork was never on the wall ans you asked questions that Mrs Allit could never answer, you had fewer than 5 little friends too., no one will miss you.”
“What about mum”.
The woman turned on a projector, Mum was drinking with friends, including a heavy set man, her neighbor who always who always smelled of cigarettes flirting with her mum.”
“She’s fine”
Tears were producing in Jane’s eyes.
“Jane, Jane, will have no tears, don’t upset the other rejects, and the god you don’t beleive in.”
Jane looked around the dingy classroom to distract herself, she noticed a filthy window, skinny children and plastic chars that weren’t the right size for anyone.Jane choked her trears back and put on the blank expression that saw her through her life before.
“Tracy misses me, go on show me.”
Jane spoke in a tone she knew drove teachers mad, the teacher turned on the projector Tracy was with a pretty girl called Stacy, they were gossiping
“I only hung out with Jane because I felt sorry for her, but now we’re together forevermore, Tracy and Stacy, it’s perfect.”
“Just like our friendship “ Gushed Stacy.
Jane looked at the floor, her shoes were too big, her skirt was too short, She felt defeated and look like a an urchin who lived in a primary school.
“Carpet time”
Chimed the teacher. The children hurried to the faded green carpet .
“Now, we’re going to hear why our new girl Jane is here, Jane is here because she wanted too much truth. She was only 4 when she questioned the existence of Father Christmas, that’s way too young and then there were the questions about God making the world, poor Mrs Allit wanted to love her but Jane kept asking silly questions, what Jane doesn’t understand is we lie to protect our young from the world so hopefully she can leave Hurtfield correctional Primary school believing happy lies and with lovely, new neat handwriting as a reward.
“Jane, why don’t you believe in Father Christmas, the rest of the year is soooooo boring.”
Jane was determined to tell the class the truth.
“Don’t be silly, how does he get around the whole world in one night? And how does he watch every children all the time?”
Some of the children started crying, other nudged them and warned them against it. An old caretaker with a badge that “Crying children exterminator “ came and took the weeping children “No”
“That’s what telling children the truth does, you have to beleive in lies so so can be a productive member of society, you’re so clever and stupid Jane, no wonder no one loves you. Let’s see wheat mum is up to as you like truth so much.”
“please no”
Screamed Jane.
The crying children walked back into the room.
“Now tell the better truth Jane, the one Mrs Allit would like.”
“Father Christmas is alive and he loves you all.”
Jane, write your name at that desk
Jane produced the prettiest handwriting she had ever seen.
“Girls with lovely handwriting have better friends and their mummies love them more, you can go back.”
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