Tuesday, 24 May 2016

Cake, Zombies and domestic violence.

The frying pan hit the rotting face at the perfect angle, the skull shattered and he was no longer an undead monstrosity but at peace with the world and just dead.

"Well done my man"

Josh's mum never had much reason to be proud but since the  "Armageddon" he seemed lots happier. The only achievement that Josh managed was beating grown men at bloodthirsty war games online. Nobody realised one day he could transfer his skills to save lives and kill zombies.

Chantel was the second line of defence as her "ADHD" meant she had been up all night watching blooded figures to see if there was any pattern so this nuclear meltdown of a family could defend themselves better and Chantel could use her legendry aggression to fight off monsters with cricket bats, she too was happy.

A carrier bag skidded down the corridor.

"Nice one, Billy"

Mum shouted down the corridor.

Billy had never walked out of a shop and paid for anything in his life so the end of the world just meant he had to fight zombies and other looters, life was more colourful now, mostly shades of red from the blood he seemed to be permanently covered in from killing zombies for cake; but his family needed to be nourished and feed their sugar addictions and fights for cake could get practically bloody and not all the bloodstains were from fighting the zombies, civilised people needed their junk.

"I wonder if the social worker's still alive"

"I wonder" answered Chantel.

There was a scream from the front garden, mum and Chantel ran and found a dead zombie along with a pale but alive social worker.

"Show us your eyes"

Mum glared menacingly at the very patient social worker to see the yellow whites and misshapen pupils, the sign of the zombie. Them mum thought it through, would a zombie social worker keep her appointments? It seemed unlikely.

"Fancy a cherry slice"

"You have cake?"

Dribbled the social worker

"Yep" smiled mum, "we have cake"

Mum and Chantel cut a precious slice in half and shared it. The had learnt to appreciate sugar since Armageddon so they had lost a large part of their excess bodies, hitting zombies meant her arms  like something off an infomercial for some exercise gadget. They were sharp enough to know Mr Kippling's workforce were probably wandering round with their flesh falling off so cake would have to last until the government got around to killing them more efficiently then the non zombies with nothing but sports equipment and frying pans.

"How's it going"

Asked the social worker.

"To be honest with you we're all very happy"

"Aren't the kids meant to be in school".

The social worker felt ridiculous as she said it, for a while school had been opened. At first, frightened of fines parents battled through the undead, from the posh set ramming though a graveyard rave in their four by fours to the council estate mums using their hard but unemployed son's as protection, but first the lads got infected and them the nanny's and then the posh mums so school had become pointless, only a few of the hardest were supposed to survive and this family and social worker were some of the chosen few.


Came an ear piercing scream. Chantel and Mum ran to help, there was a large man with stained clothes, he had the yellow eyes and  glazed expression, mum put her large frame behind a huge whack that spread his brains across the floor.

"That's your dad, oh my god kids, I'm so sorry"

"He was a zombie anyway" Chantel said, "well done".

Josh didn't see the misshapen pupils and this man took several large blows that a rotting zombie would have died of, when Chantel said "he was a zombie anyway" she was right, booze and drugs turn him from a protector to aggressor. Dad meant this family was used to defending themselves from zombies, and now they most harmful one was dead.

"Well" said the social worker, desperate times call for desperate measures, you have food, the main problem is dead, so give us a packet of biscuits and I'm off".

Josh was the gentleman and chased off some zombies, the social worker could ration out her biscuits to feed her sugar addiction while thanks to Armageddon this nuclear fall out family found their peace.

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